| confusion |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|12:20 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  what is this? | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Muse. Falling Away With You | ] |
Fear. oh how I loath it.
I have been unable to do may of my hearts desires because of this horrid four letter word. Simple to say and in meaning but, yet so complex in felling and reactions towards a human being.
Rhyme. Oh how it complexes.
Wishing things made sense and had a certain flow to follow the pattern of this five letter foe.
Love. Oh how I long.
Hoping blindly and aimlessly for something so strange. Foreign and feared. Flowing and rhyming with the rhythm in which I am supposed to feel.
Thoughts. Oh how I wonder.
Deeply confused and controversial. Should I be thinking such ways oh so...
Friendship. Oh what perils there in lie.
I begin to wonder if the world is so cruel and i am alone in a world with no attention to others. Almost a feeling of being drowsy. I trust and believe but how do I know if this true form is real?
Confusion. Oh how it builds.
With every new thought and day and new puzzle arises with misconscrewed words and gesture. Every feeling, emotion is backed but the sense of youthful doubt. building and suffocating.
Lost. Oh how it defines me so.
Where am I supposed to go? |
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| Sceptic. |
[Jul. 20th, 2006|11:54 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bedroom | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused and fearful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Strange and Beautiful ~ Aqualung | ] |
I have this unshakable feeling of loneliness. The problem is that i don't know how that is. I was just finally realizing that i am in fact better off alone, but I beat myself up too much and to have a person to go for and tell you your perfect... I feel weak because I should not have to have someone to go to. I should rely on myself alone because really that is all I have.
However, I don't understand how I don't have the feeling of depression. Last summer at about this time I hated myself so much that it got to the point where I almost succeeded in ending it. I don't hate who I am personality and intellectuality wise, however I still hate looking in the mirror and everything that i stand for. I feel lopsided and confused. i feel like putting no effort forward and to have someone just look at me completely and tell me I will be fine.
It almost feels like madness. I do not understand. I am not insane, but I feel like I should know the outcome of my inner most thoughts and desires. Does that make sense?
I need motivation. I have to read the books I have for A.P. Lit. I have no motivation. i don't want to do anything except be happy. Laugh. Live. I want... Do I even know???
I will spend my whole life trying to discover the meaning of life and then come out with the meaning too late. I will die alone and forgotten.
I am afraid. |
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|
| re-post |
[Jul. 20th, 2006|11:50 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Bedroom | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ben Folds Five. Magic. | ] |
This is a re-post of a poem i wrote back in February. I have this random impulsive urge to post it so I did. The imagery is good but it lacks rhythm and the rhyme scheme is in need of work. but I like it Simply because I wrote it disjointed for a purpose. Not everything is perfect so the form of this poem signifies it.
Another sunrise all the same,
a mocking light to the dead earth.
Through the broken glass of my shame
I see the dimming candle of our time.
I could sense for my birth,
while all the world went unnoticed.
Again a flicker of hope unearthed,
and the moon grieves for serenity.
Filtered water is the essence of life,
protected from the cure of all.
Still we have screams caused from strife
and echoing sounds fill the draft of humanity.
Controlled by our love of hate;
our eagerness overcomes all, since this is over.
our world is a ticking date;
merely lost in the sea of time.
A stone to overthrow;
chiming in the winds of one last breath.
Inhalation of ecstasy a show,
mocked by stares of stars.
Insanely questioned on simply being;
All the while we exhale.
Never truly seeing
beyond the mirage of our grieving.
~ kyra |
|
|
| Finally!!! |
[Jul. 6th, 2006|03:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pirates of the Caribbean | ] |
It is time for...
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN ; DEAD MANS CHEST!!!!!
I am SO SO VERY EXCITED!!!!!!!
Woo!
And
WOOT!
More like HUZZAH!!!! |
|
|
| Ireland. |
[Jul. 3rd, 2006|04:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | On my bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Frou frou ~ Let go | ] |
Awaking this morning I realized that I have nothing to get up and out of bed for. Perhaps that is a slight exaggeration, but still what did I have to do today (of my own free will) other than sit on the computer and watch a movie. I just feel so lazy and unmotivated as of late. Lucky for my father and step father see to it that i have an exercise time of an hour to two hours every day. I disagree, and I loath exercise more then anything. If it were up to me I would sit on my ass and do nothing but think, write, watch, and just kinda be. They always rave about how I am better then the things I do in my life, but you see the ironic thing is I do nothing so how can I be better then nothing if nothing is all i have ever known. (I make no sense) Obviously it is working because I am still living so i will be just fine with my nothing.
Sometimes I like to pretend I am somewhere else, and in this other place I do not have to worry about being so imperfect. Yet this day dream is ever ruined with the failure I am reminded of every day. that failure is me. In fact i can not remember the last time my family actually encouraged me. they are against everything I love; theater, philosophy, and questioning. I miss my mother. Well, more like I miss the way she use to be. You see, we never fight, in fact i never fight with anyone in my family, but what we do is just kinda glide through the house without a word to each other. I am beginning to wonder if denouncing all religion had anything to do with the family I am not a part of.
Anyway my day dream realm is that of what i think would be Ireland. I have the thick gorgeous Irish accent, and the world around me is green and lush with the sounds of Celtic music. Then it is pirate ships and islands. Almost the fantasy of my childhood. Looking back now my childhood was miserable, and I grew up very fast because I had to what with the divorce and me knowing every detail at the age of five. I loath my Father. Sincerely and utterly.
It is funny, as I do not find this at all depressing just mere facts of life that have grown on me as acceptance. I have not reflected on this subject in a while... hmmm.
Completely different topic...
My ipod broke. Thank god for computers and music playing capabilities. This makes me very sad, as I have no fucking clue where all my cds are. i should've known that dropping it, sitting on it, kicking it accidentally, and dropping it in water would do it sooner or later. I need a de-kluzting with my electronics.
Anyway,
I hope all is well.
Kyra |
|
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| Life... |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|08:17 pm] |
Festival is basically the center of my life, as of right now. It is what i look forward to every week, and one of the only things that keeps me happy as of right now. I leave the festival with this assurance of self confidence washing over me. At the festival people tell you you are beautiful and lovely, and they fall all over themselves to speak to you. I feel most flattered, however I am still trying to convince myself that it is indeed fact and not a bunch of shit.
On another note, I have to say it but the majority of the people I know from school and in general are annoying the living end out of me, and push me to the point where there is nothing more in the world that I would love then to just smack some sense into them. Honestly, this horrid drama they present is enough. i can not imagine going another year with it. I hate it and I have to say I am done with attempting to be liked and/or approved of by anyone. Why do I always look for friendship in people who are older then me; ah because they are actually intellects.
Other then that life is bland. I hate being home and look for any chance I can get to leave this dreadful place. Living my life to an exact plan is no way for me. I have discovered that I do in fact hate very much to be controlled or belittled. There is so much more to myself that i have no figured out, and I look forward to the day when bits of enlightenment do come. On the plus side at least my family has stopped the push of religion in my life. though they do not agree with my agnostic vies, still...
I hope all is well. |
|
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| Life tea |
[Jun. 20th, 2006|10:00 pm] |
Life is a blend. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 9th, 2006|06:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dashboard | ] |
This is one of the nude portraits I did for erica. |
|
|
| i HATE |
[Apr. 4th, 2006|11:25 am] |
when people forget to get oyu in the moring and oyu are stuck at home all day.
well untill like 12
sigh.
oh well. |
|
|
| interesting |
[Mar. 22nd, 2006|08:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hands down - dashboard confessional | ] |
apparently more people read this then I thought. Heh, which I do not like. meh oh i will get over it.
anyway; i am bored. like way lots. i guess i could study for a french midterm, but i don wanna. plus i will pass that class. sounds vain, but the one thing in my life that i know I have is intelligence. i really do not care about my grades anymore, and if they slip whatever. good test scores can cover anything. At least i hope my act score of 30 will cover it all. Though after this semester I may be down to like a 3.0 2.8 ish area.
i have been thinking a lot about philosophy and it is interesting. nietzsch(sp?) is very frustrating, but i feel enlightened by it. i find it so ironic that once i am actually with how things are going things begin to fall apart. I can foretell things getting bad. Sceptic much kyra?
sigh; 8:30 and what to do?
i have a thought:
we as humans desire touch, and need everything else to be who we are. we think and believe in things that appeal to us. we fall into stereotypes and into set ways of thinking. we are flawed. we are corrupt. we are so ignorant to everything. if we were not ignorant we would know by now the meaning of life; yet we do not. we are imperfect, and diverse. aren't we wonderful? |
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|
| happy |
[Mar. 2nd, 2006|11:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nauseated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Postal service ~ Brand New Colony | ] |
I have no idea why but I am completely happy. I am happy in the sense that I like who I am and who I know I will become. I do not know what brought this out but, well, it made me realize that my time spent plotting my demise and such has just hurt me and made me more self loathing. This is evident, you may say, but it is something I am glad I have finally realized. I am the cause of everything that happens to me, I control my own destininy and I am responsible of all that will come to pass for me. Existentialism has worked wonders for me, and what is more I understand it and I feel it has brought me to such state or mere enlightenment. Not true enlightenment but mere in approving of my self. I feel I could be a great thinker of our time with some ideas I ahve had and discussed with my english teacher. I see potential and I need to persue it. If I could just stay motivated and focused.
Focus has always been hard for me because in my days at elemntary school I had Attention Deficite Disorder also know as ADD. I over came this by fifth grade and now it is at a point where I ignor it by will power, only sometimes it gets the better of me, but not the majority of the time. My will is so strong; I just need to set it on my potential and not my pleasures. Becuase of this will I have forced myself to see the truth of my being, and this has helped me appreciate everything in my life and in the lives of others.
In all I am happy, and it was me who made it so. I did not need anyone but myself, and therefore I need no one. Still company is nice and I welcome it. Meaning sicne i found this new self worth I think I have over come my fear of being touched and appreciated by any other being other then myself.
Sorry this is just something I needed to type for myself so i can remember in my bad times that there is some love in my life, even if it comes from myself. Narsicisum(sp?) I think not. |
|
|
| ack |
[Feb. 27th, 2006|08:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sore | ] |
| [ | music |
| | michelle my bell ~ the beatles | ] |
I hate being sick. It is such a pain in the ass. Not to mention I have too much that I should be doing and being sick is just holding me back. Like I have the decision of taking three AP classes next year or only two. Regardless I will have a lot of work to do; just three may take away my life. Besides I like math and English. But I also like chemistry a lot. SO a.p. chemistry II is big on my list to take. Or I could take four a.p. classes and do two this year and two next year. Which would keep me from graduating early. Sigh. I hate trifles in classes with one day to make them in. Besides whatever I got that scholarship to Whittier in southern California. Which is not where I want to go but still it is an option.
Other then that life has been very busy for me. Whether it be tests, lessons, friends, or family I am swamped. Whenever I say swamped I think of The Princess Bride; when Prince Humperdink says how busy he is. God I love that movie. Like way lots. I need a westly. Pirate ships are cool. In fact it is a dream of mine to find a dashing Romeo in the sixteenth century who will sweep me off my feet. Sigh; assuming they choose me over all of the other ladies. Which is doubtful; God I need to stop putting myself down. Get some confidence miss.
I am tired of being tired. Ha. But really I want a lot of energy and I want to watch and write and sing and dance and do some many things at once that it is unreasonable to think I could. Notice the lack of grammar. It is to show how unorganized I am. But my writing over all is unorganized. Which I love.
Anyway things are just kind of moving. Nothing stunning or spectacular is happening. I am boring. Wonderful. |
|
|
| Dreamers lie |
[Feb. 22nd, 2006|06:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | little this little that | ] |
waiting till the door will open.
Last glimpses fade.
reaching for the past
as it slowly disapears.
You were evrrything I ever wanted
all I could not take.
things played by fate
and the past disinigrates.
Everything turns upside down
as things fall apart.
Wishing for the one,
unitanible as the flowers turn.
Dreams lie
belive them if you can
dreamers die
take your last dance.
Tracing my spine
in my fantasy
how could it be,
but not really.
Longing for
that which I do not know
waiting for
the one who soul
Matches yours
matches mine
where are you
is it our time?
Dreams unfold
kisses are told
dreams die
dreamers lie. |
|
|
| Self pity. My attempt to write a sonnet. |
[Feb. 16th, 2006|07:53 pm] |
Another sunrise all the same,
a mocking light to the dead earth.
Through the broken glass of my shame
I see the dimming candle of our time.
I could sense for my birth,
while all the world went unnoticed.
Again a flicker of hope unearthed,
and the moon grieves for serenity.
Filtered water is the essence of life,
protected from the cure of all.
Still we have screams caused from strife
and echoing sounds fill the draft of humanity.
Controlled by our love of hate;
our eagerness overcomes all, since this is over.
our world is a ticking date;
merely lost in the sea of time.
A stone to overthrow;
chiming in the winds of one last breath.
Inhalation of ecstasy a show,
mocked by stares of stars.
Insanely questioned on simply being;
All the while we exhale.
Never truly seeing
beyond the mirage of our grieving.
~ kyra |
|
|
| My progress |
[Feb. 13th, 2006|06:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The L word | ] |
I need to get a life. Instead of sitting online waiting for my prince to come on and talk to me. Who this prince is, I know not. I have yet to meet him, I think. I am just so confused in life right now. I need to just think of things and how I should make them. I just need an open communication where I finally talk to someone about what is going on in my life. I mean I love being here for everyone, but it is annoying how vain everyone is. I can not take it. In all honesty people need to get the fuck over themselves.
Tomorrow is Valentines Day, and oh how I loath it. I am tired of all the flamboyant gifts, and feeling so alone in everything I do. I just wish I would allow myself to get close to someone. I need to start actually following my existentialist theories. I am the cause of everything that happens to me and everything that will happen. I control everything, even my love life. So I am going to start. I have said this many times, and it is time I acted on it. If only I could do what I plan and what I say I am going to do. Sigh, it would solve so much. If only we could do everything we say we are going to do. Yet we are humans and we have the downfall of all humanity holding us back.
I am not sad, depressed, or even remotely unhappy. In fact I am going through a time where I am trying to smile more and actually enjoy everything that is going on in my life. If you knew me this summer you will know I never smiled, or if I did it was not often. I was afraid of anything that would happen if I did. Not only was I self conscious but I hated who I was with every inch of my being. I have grown up a lot since then. I have come so far. I am proud of myself for it, and as a result I am trying t make myself a better person. More approachable if you will. This is something that is extremely hard for me to do and something that I have feared for most of my life.
I recently read all of my past entries and I can not believe how much I have grown up; from self pity to independence. I wish I could have slapped myself across the face back then and realized that life is exactly what we make it. Reading helped me to understand myself more and realize that I am not a horrible person and that I deserve to be happy. I am still, however, self conscious of my outward appearance. I need to start seeing what people reassure me of constantly; but unfortunately this is not a part of this self enlightenment.
Anyway I just wanted to let you know I am getting better, and realizing some things that were evident to me before but I was completely ignorant to. This was a glimpse into my soul so please be open minded about it. Thank you. You know who you are. |
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|
| Waiting... |
[Feb. 9th, 2006|03:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lethargic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | We all have a map of the Piano ~ Mum | ] |
This week is so busy. Ia m signing up for new classes, but what stresses me out most is that if I do make jazz I am not graduating next year. It takes up a period that would be spent doing an academic thing. I am taking gym this summer at front range, because who cares about that? i mean I could graduate and go to pretty much any college on my list with the score I got on my ACT. Which was a 30 by the way. But I am not sure if I am ready to spend another year in high school. For shows and such I need more experience for college. Yet acidencially I am bored out of my mind. So I am eagerly awaiting the post tomorrow of who made jazz and who did not. If I did it could change everything. I hate not having things planed out. SO counting down the hours till tomorrow so I can rush to the choir room and lookon the door for the list that could decided my very future. Ugh. Shows, school, voice lessons, parents, friends, depression, my fitness level. Sigh. I wish my plate was less full. But that is not possible, not for Kyra, OH NO! Everything must be complicted, nothing must be simple.
Well good points at least my future is basically secure. I am working hard to pursue my dreams, and maybe one day they will come true. thinking of things I have decided that I neevr want to be married. I do not want children, and I want to be left alone my life. People get on my last nerves. I could not stand them. Impulses would be killed, and I would have ot be kept on a leash. I do not want to be commited. I want to do whatever I want whenever I want. Though this sounds young and naive, i think marriage is just a fucking label that takes over our society. Besides I am a sarcastic weird bitch so anyone who would put up with my shit would have to be completely submissive. I could not take that, I must have to fight for control.
Which then makes me feel about how suductive i ahve been feeling these past few weeks. I need someone tom suduce. Why? Maybe I am bored with the ordinary boring world and need something to do that would be thirilling in some way or another.
Anyway, I will post tomorrow with what things are going on. Ia m curious to see what way my fate will go. I have given it a push and hopefully it is all uphill or downhill from here. Depending on how oyu take the saying. |
|
|
| Just wow. |
[Feb. 5th, 2006|01:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My sweet Religion ~ Imogen Heap | ] |
Wow. tonight was just.
Wow. HAHAHA.
I will write about it tomorrow.
Wow.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. |
|
|
| There are liars who teach. |
[Feb. 1st, 2006|08:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | I am going | ] |
| [ | music |
| | No one knows who I am | ] |
Well it has been a while. Things for me are just kind of going. Honeslty I could nto expect them to be well because things are just complicated as of late. I am so confused and I do not know what to do about some things that are inching away at my being, I guess.
It is hard to hold it in all the time. I cna not stand being the girl everyone goes to anymore. while I do enjoy helping people out, it builds up and weighs me down. I do not know what to do about it anymore. I am lost to everything now.
Another thing that is frustraighting me is I want so badly the fairytale love, and I seem to push myself away from any possibilities of it along with being too picky and shutting out everyone and everything now.
Now I am not depressed; like I said I am going, but people expect too much from me. I can not do it. iam sorry I wish I could, but I can not. I can not really do anything now but just breathe and keep trudging on. I am sorry but I am incapable of anything else for the moment. I have this urge to be suductive, and just feel something. I wnat so badly to just be traced slowly, but there is no one I would let trace me. SO I guess that is a lost caused.
On a lighter note a good thing going for me is my voice lessons; which the work involved in them I love. SO far I am working on Once Upon a Dream from Jeykll and Hyde, and Think of Me from Phantom. My progress is huge; the techniques I am learning are mind numbing. It is amazing. I wish I could just perform, and do nothing else but that. My escape. Since there seems to be no other options for me at the moment.
Sigh, I am tired. I should do my homework and then go and actually get some sleep. Sigh no scrubs tonight. Bush. ugh.
Anyway I hope all is going well. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2006|07:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Fuck everything | ] |
| [ | music |
| | jekyll and Hyde - In his eyes | ] |
I am beginning to hate my father more and more. whatever. I need to get over it. |
|
|
| whatever. |
[Jan. 7th, 2006|12:19 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Airplane | ] |
I am annoying. Fuck... The raccoon.
Eyes blue amongst the black which tears have formed.
The trail is down my check, and leaves the imprint of a butterfly.
Free, and pain-less.
Once.
What happened?
Where did I get annoying?
The "whiney bitch".
I am sorry.
Whatever, I am done.
Over it.
Over you.
I just do not understand why it had to cost us our friendship?
Why is it me?
Why can you not stand me anymore?
Remember when we spoke?
Hours on end.
Remember when we were close?
Trust.
Well, trust is only a weakness.
In truth I want you to hurt.
Hurt like I am.
Then again I wish you the best.
I wish I was worth your time.
Is this goodbye?
God, I do not want that, but is it?
We are friends, right? |
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